Dear Britain: A Reply from Lebanon

That looks complicated. We're so impressed

Dear Britain,

We recently received a spam letter from one of your representatives and while we appreciate the effort that went into writing it, you must understand that we are busy and we don’t have time to read advice from former global powers. We have tried to unsubscribe from your spam by replying to the email with ‘unsubscribe’ in the subject line but invariably we keep getting unsolicited advice from your politicians, ambassadors, journalists and Robert Fisk. So we had no other option but to write this letter.

Firstly, let’s address the matter of age. We get the impression that you were talking down to us as a young 70-year-old republic. The key word here is republic, something that still eludes you as you cling to an archaic monarchy and try to pass it off as a national quirk rather than the medieval anachronism that it is.

 

Death in Ramallah, Poirot Investigates Arafat’s Murder

Hercule Poirot paused before he entered the study. The unpleasant encounter with the Israeli soldiers at the gate had irritated the great detective. I didn't come out of retirement to be humiliated like this, he thought to himself. The soldiers had mocked his moustache of which he took great care, and inquired whether he was smuggling any ‘humanitarian aid’ under his bulging waistline. M. Poirot’s demeanour was always a sensitive subject to him, but he wasn’t going to let those goons distract him from the job at hand. His greatest challenge perhaps. He opened the door and walked in.

Exclusive: The Text of Jumblatt's Letter to Bashar al-Assad

As the Daily Star reported today, Walid Jumblatt sent a conciliatory letter to Bashar al-Assad. In an exclusive scoop, we have obtained the full text of this letter that signals major shifts in the region in the coming period.

Dear Bashar,

I am writing you at this critical juncture of the history of the heroic Arab nation, hoping that you will have the foresight and patience to hear what I have to say. Yes, I am indeed back in one of my pan-Arab phases. I don’t understand why people criticise me for those phases that I have, I think of them as the equivalent of Picasso’s periods. They are expressions of my political creativity. ‘Principles, principles’ they say. So boring.

Frequently Asked Questions about Morsi’s Show Trial

We answer questions about the laws and events behind ousted president Mohamed Morsi's trial, scheduled to begin on Monday.

What kind of court will conduct the trial?

Kangaroo.

Are show trials normal in Egypt?

Only when regular trials are inconvenient.

Isn't this against the spirit of the law?

We don’t come to your country and tell you how to run your courts.

Reporting from the Annual Conference for Arab Militias

Now in its fourth year, the Annual Conference for Arab Militias has become the event to attend in the world of alternative power structures in the Arab world. This year’s conference entitled ‘Undermining the State Monopoly on Violence: Challenges, Tactics and Theoretical Frameworks’ was held in the Qatari capital Doha and has firmly placed the event on the applied post-structuralism event calendar. The conference was attended by hundreds of delegates representing militias all the way from Libya to Iraq. In order to inform our readers about this event, we sent our correspondent Osman Haraki and he came back with fascinating report.

Your Syrian Horoscope

Your Syrian Horoscope for the first week of October 2013.

 Aries 
21 March – 19 April

Not a good week to start a business, look for a job, start dating or buy a house. Use this as an opportunity to organize your thoughts and plan for the future and avoid going out unless it’s absolutely necessary. Chances of bread shortage are very high.

How Barack and Hassan Became Pen Pals

Dear Hassan,

It's very nice to correspond with you, I have never talked to anyone from Iran before. I work for the government here, and I have a very difficult job but I live in a nice big house with a garden. Please tell me more about yourself.

Sincerely,

Barack Hussein Obama


Dear Barack,

I noticed that your middle name is Hussein, that is a very special name in my culture. Are you a Muslim?

I work for the government too, but I'm also a cleric. We're more honest here than in America about how we mix religion and government, we don’t try to pretend like you.

Yours sincerely,

Hassan Rouhani