17 Sep 2013

How Barack and Hassan Became Pen Pals

Dear Hassan,

It's very nice to correspond with you, I have never talked to anyone from Iran before. I work for the government here, and I have a very difficult job but I live in a nice big house with a garden. Please tell me more about yourself.

Sincerely,

Barack Hussein Obama


Dear Barack,

I noticed that your middle name is Hussein, that is a very special name in my culture. Are you a Muslim?

I work for the government too, but I'm also a cleric. We're more honest here than in America about how we mix religion and government, we don’t try to pretend like you.

Yours sincerely,

Hassan Rouhani




Dear Hassan,

No I'm not a Muslim but it's very hard to convince people over here. By the way, is it possible for us to become friends over Facebook?

Regards,

Barack


Dear Barack,

Unfortunately Facebook is banned here in my country. Something about the corrupting influence of the decadent western imperialism.

So what are your hobbies?

Regards,

Hassan



Dear Hassan,

I am sorry for the delay in writing to you, I'm having a difficult time at work because of a place called Syria.

In answer to your question, I very much enjoy flying remote-controlled airplanes.

So what is your job exactly, are you the boss like me?

Regards,

Barack



Dear Barack,

It is a bit difficult to explain, I am the boss but there's also another boss. A bigger boss. The biggest boss, so to speak. He gets to decide but my job isn't bad.

Looks like I have to deal with Syria at work also if the big boss allows me. It would be fun to work together.
Regards,

Hassan



Dear Hassan,

To be honest with you, this whole Syria thing has become a big headache for me. I mean I like my job but the one thing I hate about it is having to make decisions. You’re so lucky you have a bigger boss to help with that. Although I too have a senile old fool who thinks he runs the place, I guess he’s our big boss. His name is McCain.

Have you ever been to America?

Yours truly,

Barack



Dear Barack,
No, I have not been to the Great Satan before, but I have to go there for work soon. Let’s hope I get a visa. If I do let’s meet for a coffee or something.

I am not sure about the situation with the other boss. If I do something good, he takes all the credit and if something goes wrong I take all the blame. And there’s so much work to do, the guy who had my job before made a big mess and I have to sort it all out.

Best,

Hassan



Dear Hassan,

So you think we’re great? Awesome.

I had the same problem when I started my job. The guy who had my job before also made a big mess and I foolishly promised everyone that I will undo all the damage he did. Let’s just say it’s not going that well. My advice to you is try not to promise too much, that’s a lesson I learned the hard way.

I hope the visa thing works out, it would be good to meet.

Yours,

Barack



Dear Barack,

Thanks for the advice, but I think it comes a little bit late. I may have already created an unrealistic sense of expectation and floated a few unicorns. Looks like we have more in common than we thought at first.

What’s your mobile number?

Hassan



Dear Hassan,

Tell me about it. They gave me an award for my work before I even started! Anyway, my advice is that you should have hardliners that you can blame when things go wrong, always worked for me.

Here’s my number: XXX-XXX-XXXX*

See you soon,

Barack



Dear Barack,

That’s easy to arrange, one thing we’re not short of is hardliners. I’ll call you.

Salam**,

Hassan



*Number obscured for security reasons. 
** Word triggered NSA intercept.

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8 comments:

  1. When does he get to ask, "What are you wearing?"

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  2. Well done! You should keep it going. This could turn into an interesting tome. Kudos!

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  3. Funny :) Altough, Salam in Farsi means "Hello" not "Goodbye". You should have written: "Khodahafez" which means goodbye. (I'm Iranian).

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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