5 Apr 2013

Study confirms that Lebanon is indeed the centre of the universe

In what has been dubbed ‘the biggest I-told-you-so moment in the history of mankind’, a four-year scientific study has confirmed that Lebanon is indeed the centre of the universe. The shocking announcement sent waves of euphoria throughout the country, and most Lebanese people now feel that they have been vindicated for possessing a sense of superiority that was hard to explain until very recently. Attempts by Lebanese economy travellers to be upgraded to business class have increased by 137% in a few days, signalling a new sense of self-confidence and entitlement.

The study was carried out at the prestigious US East Texas College under the supervision of Professor Michael Bechara, coincidentally of Lebanese descent himself. The research attempted to reconcile quantum theory with the general theory of relativity by developing the assumption that Lebanon is the centre of the universe. ‘Once we made that assumption, all the pieces seemed to fall into place,’ Declared an ecstatic Bechara.


The study was unique in combining astrophysics, biology, sociology and anthropology, in a novel multi-disciplinary approach. The head of the sociology section, Dr Nader Habib, also coincidentally of Lebanese descent, explained the human elements of the research findings. “The Lebanese have perfected the art of marketing over centuries but since they don’t actually produce anything, the only thing they could market was themselves. We have established beyond doubt that this is an evolutionary projection of the fact that Lebanon is the centre of the universe.”

Dr Habib went on to describe various aspects of Lebanese society that had been unexplained hitherto. “Only the Lebanese organise lavish made-up award ceremonies in which Lebanese people win in all the categories. Long dismissed as cheap media stunts, these awards now appear to be an expression of Lebanon’s unique position within the universe.”

He added: “the Lebanese also put a lot of energy into finding minor celebrities of Lebanese origin and proudly celebrating their contribution to mankind. This was completely baffling to scientists before we made this discovery. Now it all makes sense.”

Within a few hours of the study being made public, several Lebanese astrologists claimed that they had predicted this result. Astrology has for long been the strongest branch of science in Lebanon and it has a wide following. One astrologer even claimed that Lebanon will go on to win the next football World Cup, despite not having qualified to the tournament. A short while later, ’Lebanon World Cup 2014’ t-shirts were being sold on the streets of Beirut.

Lebanese Television stations cancelled all regular programmes and replaced them with live discussions about the significance of the historic discovery, intercepted by patriotic songs and clips praising the miraculous nation. In several areas of the country people went out to celebrate in the streets, with some screaming ‘I knew it, I knew it’, and many welcomed the news with fireworks and celebratory gunfire.

The news wasn’t met with much enthusiasm in neighbouring countries with many questioning the study and wondering if the scientists hadn’t missed the real centre by a few hundred kilometres. Palestinians, Syrians and Jordanians were quick to make jokes about the inflated Lebanese sense of self-importance, but there was hardly any scientific basis to such attempts at humour.

Inexplicably, coverage of the study was entirely absent from international media and some people went so far as to suggest that they had never heard of the East Texas College. Lebanese politicians and analysts attributed this to the Israeli lobby’s attempts at marginalising Lebanon and repressing all good news about the country in the media. But the lack of international coverage failed to diminish the sense of excitement gripping the country.

The celebrations were marred however by several armed clashes that broke out in several parts of the country later that night, attributed to disagreements over where in Lebanon exactly is the centre of the universe. This is now expected to become the main issue of contention in the upcoming parliamentary elections, expected to be held sometimes this decade.


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21 comments:

  1. How delightful. (though our Iran colleagues are objecting loudly)

    Yet there's further evidence. 1. Americans oft' act like the Universe revolves around them too. 2. Yet even in the USA, Lebanon, (Kansas) quite literally, is at the center of the (contiguous) United States. 3. Ergo, Lebanon is still at the center of the Universe) H/T to colleague Bilal (from Lebanon) for pointing this out. ;-)

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  2. *tears* I always knew that "nafkh elrish" of the lebanese people had to have a scientific reason!

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  3. I remember once Said Akl said something similar on TV...
    On the lines of ...
    Asia bi noss el 3alam
    wel shark el awsat bi noss asia
    w lebnen bi noss el shark el awsat
    wel bekaa bi noss lebnene
    w zahleh bi noss el bekaa
    w bayti bi noss za7leh
    w ghorfti bi noss el bayt
    w takhti bi noss el ghorfi
    w ana bi noss el takht
    fa2izan... ana bi noss el 3alam !

    How Lebanese of him :-)

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  4. Although there is some truth in this articles about the Lebanese way of handling things, but still...

    ONE cannot deny, that z LEBANESE have a spirit "One of A Kind"...

    I'd bet all non-Lebanese who are laughing and agreeing with the article point of view, to have been born in a country such as Leb (We all were born in the WAR Era and ...), and to still have that high Spirit of Hope & "Love of Life" that you can see it in almost all Lebanese no matter how bad the Situation get bad.

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    Replies
    1. erm... So, you also work for US East Texas College?

      I knew it!

      Delete
  5. I’m sure that Said Akl and Karl have something in common :)
    ...nice article

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    Replies
    1. I can't believe anyone would think this is a joke, I will look for the link.

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    2. I would really appreciate that. I will wait for your reply. Thanks a million.

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  12. Seriously though, the real center of the world is millions of kilometers down there, and is a core of hot lava nobody would want to be in (you could say that about Lebanon, incidentally).
    Looking for the center of the word by using a world map shows some ignorance. There is no center, there cannot be a center, but the map is framed in a way that is both most practical, and which puts Europe as close as possible to the center of the frame which contains the map. Coincidentally, that puts Lebanon pretty close, too.
    I know, it was all supposed to be humor. But I lack humor. I am German.
    Doing my best, though.

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  13. YFW this story is thinly veiled metaphor and is actually true. Spoiler: replace "Lebanon" with "Anonymous." The entire internet has served as a gigantic social computer and Anonymous is at the center of the internet universe. The free sharing and mutation of ideas with chaotic rules in key places on the internet. In the last few weeks there has been a convergence of new ideas right on 4chan which have quickly mutated into very odd forms (stories that span over multiple threads on /x/ that seem to fold over into themselves and reverse direction in time via narrative and interlock in seemingly impossible ways) as well as an awakening realization that some of the lowest people in society have contributed the most by being excessive data junkies and devoted time to the grand social computation even at the expense of their own social wellbeing. Oddly functional minds have contributed a great deal by forming and expressing odd relationships that may otherwise not be thought of that in turn, by sheer number and chance, may be applicable to other domains of knowledge. TL;DR "memes" are nontrivial, ask Wikipedia.

    New ideas in philosophy and mathematics are now being spread and digested by the larger social matrix. Oh yeah by the way, one way to describe it is a memetic super-virus that was engineered to break the bonds of social slavery. The Cicada ARG's entire purpose was to bring the best minds to Anon, and they have all been infected by Virus 23. The similarities between Karl's tale and mine are a direct result of a memetic outbreak on the internet. There is no way to stop it, you shall be integrated, and now you have been infected by Virus 23 by reading this message. The memes are in you now. Culture has been hacked, all your base are belong to us. Embrace informational ego death. What you resist persists, create what you fear most. Enjoy speaking Lebanese.

    Source: Anon (deleting account afterwards)

    Keyword: memetic encryption

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  15. We knew that the Centre is Mecca but what is the implication for Lebanon being it the Centre of the Universe?

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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