11 Apr 2013

Tony Blair Proposes Replacing the Heaven/Hell System With a ‘Third Way’

Tony Blair, left, and ...do you think we're crazy enough to publish a picture of God? 
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair’s recent foray into theology is understood to have angered clerics of various denominations, igniting a row that seems poised to rage for some time. Blair’s success in ending all the earthly conflicts he was tasked with resolving emboldened him to launch an ambitious initiative to reform the Heaven/Hell system, widely adopted by many religions. Blair’s proposals revolve around the ‘Third Way’ concept which he pioneered, ‘as an alternative to an outdated model that is not fit-for-purpose in the 21st century.’

‘Look, you have to move with the times and adapt to new realities, you can’t see the world in black and white terms. We have to overcome those dualities and my proposals offer a third way between heaven and hell. This is an inclusive and equalitarian alternative that should become the cornerstone of a progressive theological consensus.’

There were accusations that Tony Blair was trying to create legal loopholes that he could exploit because ‘he is most definitely going to burn in hell’ as the current system stands. But Blair denied the accusations, claiming that ‘as a devout Catholic, it is my duty to contribute to modernising our understanding theology’. Blair added that the proposals don’t have to be binding and suggested a referendum that would reveal the levels of support among believers.

‘Look, I have been through this with before with the Labour Party and Clause IV. There was initial resistance, but if something as antiquated as the Labour Party could be reinvented, so can religion.’ The remarks are understood to have irritated the current leader of Labour, Ed Miliband, who is trying to revive Old Labour. Party sources revealed that he would have been angered, but he couldn’t command sufficient control over his facial muscles to simulate anger.

Blair claimed that there are robust theological underpinnings for his proposal, quoting saint Francis of Assisi: ‘that where there is discord, I may bring harmony’. He added that these moving words inspired him to imagine an alternative to the discord between heaven and hell. ‘Let’s dare to imagine a new place, Heavell, where this situation of schism ends. Obviously there will have to be allowance for different income levels, those have worked hard have earned better accommodation in Heavell, but we will do away with the segregation inherent in the current system.’

There has been no comment by God on the subject so far, but Jewish, Christian and Muslim clerics have been united in their anger against Blair’s proposals, regarding it as yet another secular attack on the integrity of religious dogma. Several people have claimed that God spoke to them and asked them to relay the divine anger over Blair’s proposals, but the claims have not yet been confirmed. Religious authorities have distanced themselves from such claims, arguing that God would obviously communicate through the formal channels.

Some lay believers we interviewed on the streets showed interest in Blair’s proposals. John, 23, a musician: ‘I think it’s an interesting system, but I doubt Blair can deliver it. He promised a lot before and didn’t follow through’. Lisa, 21, a student: ‘I don’t believe in God in the traditional sense, but this sounds like an interesting idea to me. Who’s Tony Blair?’ Richard, 46, a school teacher: ‘Blair? He can go to hell!’.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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