19 Feb 2013

The Onion to Sue Lebanon for Making Its Headlines Look Reasonable

It emerged today that the American satirical magazine The Onion is to sue Lebanon for unfair competition practices and for making its headlines look totally reasonable. The Onion is demanding millions of dollars in compensation, claiming that the small Mediterranean country has ‘ruined the business of writing satirical headlines’. The magazine’s claim refers to a ‘sustained campaign of nonsensical but nevertheless real headlines’ over a number of years, during which Lebanon, ‘went out of its way to make The Onion’s headlines look ordinary by comparison.’


The straw that broke the camel’s back was Lebanon’s adoption of a new electoral law that requires members of each sect to vote for candidates from their sect only. A senior staff member at The Onion, Andy Mitchell, revealed the pressure that the magazine’s writers have been under in an interview earlier today. “How can we possibly satirize that? Anything we will come up with will look extremely normal. This is fucking insane.”

He added: “The law says Maronites, and I am not quite sure what Maronites are, must vote for Maronites candidates, Shiites for Shiite candidates, Sunnis for Sunni candidates and so on. Except for Jews. Jews can vote for candidates of any sect they choose! Now if we had put that in a satirical article, we would have been accused of unreasonable exaggeration.”

“And why do they call it the Orthodox Electoral Law? There’s NOTHING Orthodox about it. They must be pulling our leg. No political system in the world is that twisted, not even North Korea’s. This is obviously part of a determined effort to undermine what we and other satirical publications do. Lebanon is trying to create a monopoly in ludicrous headlines and I’m afraid to say it’s succeeding.” It is understood that The Onion’s lawyers will target Lebanon under anti-trust laws and ‘freakin’ common sense’.

Mr. Mitchell also recited a long list of record-breaking attempts by Lebanon, revolving around the production of increasingly larger and larger plates of Hummus, as evidence of this campaign ‘to mess with our heads’. “What’s Hummus? It’s chickpeas, right? Why do they need that much? What are they doing with it? I have a mortgage for God’s sake, I need this job.”

Mr. Mitchell was also critical of Lebanon’s political system, ‘which makes a circus look like the Library of Congress’ and ‘it seems that Lebanese politicians picked up where Dali left off.’ The Onion’s strategy will revolve around proving in court that no political system could actually exist in that form, other than for the sinister purpose of ruining satire. The Onion will also claim that Lebanese people are all in on this scam, ‘otherwise they would be completely insane for electing these people time after time’.

As we went to publication, reports began to appear in the Lebanese press that Mr. Mitchell is of Lebanese origin, claiming that his great-grandparents, Gergi and Taqla Mkhayel, had immigrated to the US in the 19th century. People from their ancestral village spoke of their pride of Mr. Mitchell in television interviews, and he has now been invited to participate in the next Largest Plate of Hummus record-breaking attempt.

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55 comments:

  1. I was completely shocked (& outraged) by the emergence of celebrity Mags like "Hello" & "Ola" in Western Civilization because I thought celebrity gossip mags were a monopoly owned by the Arab World & especially Lebanon/Liban.

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    1. Nidal Al Ahmadieh still runs this shit. She's head mistress of tabloid illuminati

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  2. ROFL, seriously Lebanon your political system beats all comedy shows

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    1. Of course you're right, Amr. Maybe Lebanon should just pass laws that completely silence the Christians, introduce requirements that make it impossible for them to build or repair their churches and then vote in a bunch of politicians who spend their days debating the proper length of a man's beard, like they have in your lovely homeland.

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    2. Christians and Muslims and and and...
      What a rubbish logic... you are such a troll...
      Stop eating hummus for Fuck's sake and wake up from your xenophobia...!!

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    3. "laws that completely silence the Christians"????
      What about laws such as this one that completely silence and disregard human logic?
      As a "Christian" , "Muslim", "Jew", "Buddhist", "Atheist", or whatever religion you follow or not, you have no voice! Your voice is a civilian's voice, not a sectarian voice! You don't need a "Christian" to deliver your thoughts to the government, you need a "person" voted in because of their agenda and plans for reform, not because of a sect that is inherited, and not even chosen!

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    4. Not when you live in a country with a muslim majority, where no respect for civil law exists, no respect for others exist and it just happens that those who think like you ... have their heads rolling while trying to be idealists.

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    5. the lack of respect does not come from the religion itself, it comes from the disrespectful persons who unfortunately represent it. That's why you should vote those specific people OUT of the parliament, by keeping their position in the parliament a result of YOUR vote.
      I'd rather have my head rolling than my country rolling...

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    6. Lesh men wen hadertak tante?

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    7. Funny thing is, why did the bigot who first commented on Tarek Amr's comment automatically assume he is from a Muslim country? Is it the goatee? Is it the eyeglasses? The fact that he is studying in the UK?

      Stop with your racism/fanaticism and wake up and smell the roses.

      I bet Tarek has more employment opportunities than you do being the crazy Muslim who wants to behead you out of the country. Or maybe that is the problem. Lack of economic opportunities while your leaders foment religious hatred to make you forget about it?

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    8. Continue with your failed state while we all leave that shit hole of a country. To be honest, anyone who wants that law can have it, and remained with the deadbeats left in Leb. All the good ones have left... these politicians are bickering and representing individuals with no vision for the future. They just want to go back to their 18th century tribal ways. Let them. Meanwhile, I'll be abroad enjoying my life.

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  3. Lol so funny, and so true!

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  4. It is indeed a huge farce!

    But, nevertheless, true in a country built in 1920 on the distribution of political power between the different religious confessions that has so far led to a slew of civil wars in which tens of thousands of Lebanese, of all backgrounds, have perished. The latest electoral law is a clear indicator that this beautiful country is once again sliding into the abyss.

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  5. not to ruin the satirical ego, but if the United States had 60% muslims 40% Christians (Like Lebanon) in this hateful world everyone mostly helped create I wonder what they'd do with their electoral law.

    Part of what fueled support for this law is the persecution of Christians in the middle east, half the Iraqi Christians left the country, Egyptian Coptics are under attack every week (hopefully that's not a comedy show for you too Tarek), syrian christians are victims of the syrian revolution because they do not wish to fight Assad .

    Bottom line is people in the middle east are really worried about their future and you guys are here making fun of them instead of lobbying to end wars and bring just peace to all.

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    1. Even before Martin Luther King, Blacks were allowed to vote for whites or Latinos or who ever they want.
      So your comparison is rubbish.
      Try eating something other than Hummus !!

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    2. what's up with the martyrdom act??!
      Quote: "You don't need a "Christian" to deliver your thoughts to the government, you need a "person" voted in because of their agenda and plans for reform, not because of a sect that is inherited, and not even chosen!"
      VOTE for a person worthy of handling your future, who may not necessarily be a person from your sect, and that's how you bring peace to all, not by causing further division in an already messed up country

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    3. blacks don't have an ideology that they want to impose on others by force, by cuttings heads.
      blacks don't think they are better than others just because they are black.
      on the other hand muslims do. they have laws to treat non-muslims (as second degree humans) unless they convert to islam. and as for being an athiest, forget it, the only law that applies is beheading.

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    4. Let's assume that what you are saying is true, how can you allow Muslims to vote for those who wish to behead you? As a Christian (or anything else), you should vote for a Muslim with good human values. THAT is how you protect yourself.
      PS: You seriously need to research and read more dude! Break out of your shell and open up to others. I recommend Adyan association to learn about other religions www.adyanvillage.net/
      signature: A half Maronite, half protestant.
      PPS: What you said about Islam is not even close to true. Start educating yourself and stop the martyrdom/xenophobia!

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    5. Do you realize that the one who suggested this super smart law is the ally of a Muslim party?
      So get your head out of your leader's butt and have a reality check, preferably with an IQ and free-thinking injection.

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  6. Karl, thanks for the article.
    Maybe the comments on this blog can be used to help Andy Mitchell win his trial against Lebanon.

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  7. Ha ha, brilliant. But surely Andy Mitchell is descended from Mary Saad, the Lebanese Umm George Mitchell.

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  8. This is GOLD. Thanks!

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  9. A great read. many thanks!

    However if one gathers the strength to overcome the bitterness of this "orthodox proposal" and look into its probable electoral effects, one might want to give it a shot.

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    1. Yes it is a crazy law, from a crazy political system (as the father), and a crazy politicians across all sects and religions (as the mother), and crazy western powers fueling this system since the French colonial days (as the God parents)... and it goes on... While you have the luxury of having a laugh at us poor Lebanese who had to live with this on daily basis... remember, the exact civilisation you claim to live in and represent your views, is the Number one culprit, and as far as hummus is concerned, laugh your heart, if things don't change in Lebanon, soon we will not find anything to eat... thanks to your western double standards, and interest centric policies... start by telling your leaders to leave us alone first... only then we will manage to impress you, and your Onion...

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    2. The funny thing in the rant above, is the fact that "Woe is Me," the Lebanese stance on everything... "Us poor Lebanese who had to live with this on a daily basis".... You have no one to blame but yourselves. You can keep blaming colonialism, ottomans, italians, barbarians and everyone else for this state of affairs. the Lebanese who approve and defend these kinds of laws are the problem. and the comments here are the proof that the Onion is right in its claims. And I hope they sue in la-la land. Maybe that will make you snap out of it and start doing something to improve your situation. The day the Lebanese realize its in their hands and no one else's, is the collective day of epiphany, where you start electing people who will do the country good, not people who make electoral laws just to make sure they keep sitting where they are currently sitting. On your heads.

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    3. And a disclaimer, just in case it is unclear. This is a parody. A parody! Mr. KarleMarks is not trying to appeal to the Westerners, he is not trying to look good enough to get hired by the Onion. Although in this state of affairs, I wouldn't blame him if he does. Stop with the martyrdom, do something.

      And if you think that this Law is going to help the Christians in this land-- Let's do a population census and REALLY give adequate representation to Christians. Which would not amount to 50%, I tell you that much.

      P.S: A Maronite up to HERE with her fellow Maronites!

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  10. I love this article! I think I am going to start reading the Onion. And just for the records "Maronites" are a Christians that follow Saint Maroun.
    Take care.

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    1. Sorry for the numerous mistakes in my above comment. The text should read like this:
      I love this article! I think I am going to start reading the Onion. And just for the record: "Maronites" are a group of Christians who follow Saint Maroun.
      Take care.

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  11. hey Onion guys,

    in short, obviously you know nothing about the Lebanese political system,
    and for sure you don't know why the electoral law was called Orthodox Electoral Law.

    I apologize for wasting my time reading your article, and wasting electricity to comment on such article

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    1. Wait... you have electricity?

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  12. So so so so good. Every line, hilarious and brilliant!

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  13. guys, you dont live in lebanon so you wont understand...

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  14. "I apologize for wasting my time reading your article, and wasting electricity to comment on such article"

    God knows there's precious little of it to be had in glorious Libnaaan.

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  15. A must read really... This really sums up how pathetic our political scene is becoming. Thanks for the laughs, this really made my day.

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  16. Shades of this...

    http://qifanabki.com/2009/03/11/saudi-arabia-onion/

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  17. Personally I am against the Orthodox Law proposal, because it's just wrong... and I am an Orthodox Christian Lebanese. But I felt compelled to comment here, because I feel there are a bunch of misinformed and ignorant people here commenting about my country in general. Look, Lebanon is what it is, and throughout history and present day it remains the envy of the world!! So if it ain't broke don't fix it!!

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    1. If it ain't broke? How much more broken to pieces would you like your country to be in order to fix it? I wonder....

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    2. "So if it ain't broke don't fix it!!"...

      This has got to be the best line every :)

      Let's see!! more Lebanese outside of Lebanon than inside, 18.5% unemployment, $61.5 billion in public debt, $10.5 billion in revenues and $15 billion in expenses, you get electricity for about 6 hours a day, ranked number 128 out of 176 in corruption perception index.

      Sounds perfect!

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    3. HAHAHHAAH... aint broke? Are you high?

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    4. who envies your precious lebanon? bangladesh? Lebanon is a horrible place, an environmental disaster. An economic failure. A champion of racism and hate. Wake up stupid... no one envies your lebanon.

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  18. Awesome !!! Hilarious, thank you :)

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  19. Kudos to you Karl! Very nice article, very funny, targeting the absurdity of this law. This is a much better way to criticize it than the pseudo-sentimental talk about how the "law will divide families". The families couldn't care less about that law, it's just that whatever is left of the state and the representative value of the MPs is going straight to oblivion.

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  20. But wait...Lebanon and the Lebanese are all about being elites and a shining beacon of progressiveness and class.
    What a country full of bull.

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  21. Lebanese people are exactly what is wrong with the world today. What kind of people would allow a group of blood soaked militia leaders enslave the population while creating vast wealth reserves for their own family dynasties? The arab spring may not be pretty, but at least other nations had the courage to say "no more", while Lebanese citizens smile in the face of the very leaders that have been fucking them and they're children since the civil war.

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    1. bravo! your words are poetry sir.

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  22. the electoral law is a reflection of who we are. we are proud of it. we are Christians before Lebanese, we are muslims sunni before being Lebanese etc,,,, while it might come as a shock to some, it is what it is. it is like we are coming out of the closet. I think it is a good thing. so mind your Onion business and we will mind our own. we elected the current parliament members, if they vote on it, it will pass. this is our system. tough luck for those who don't like it. Peace!

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    1. "we are Christians before Lebanese, we are muslims sunni before being Lebanese etc,,,,"
      uumm... seriously?! If it is that way to you, it's not to me, so please don't generalize. Kindly use "I" instead of "we" for next time.
      I am ashamed of people like you sharing my nationality.

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    2. "mind your own Onion business"? I'm afraid that if you can't work out that this isn't The Onion then you should seriously question your political choices.

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  23. Oh man, this is awsome!!!
    Thank you Karl!

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  24. Economy class, you have a choice "chicken or beef".It's a bit bigger there:"donkey or elephant" only, and forever.
    nothing could be more satirical than electing George for 2 consecutive terms. I wonder if the search for WMD is still an option.
    Nothing equals, eating Hummus with a fresh onion. Mitchel should try it, may it will help him pay off his mortgage.
    Sam

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  25. This article is like killing people for the purpose of giving their money to charity.
    Onion smell bad when it is rotten.

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  26. Reading the remarks here makes me even laugh more for the hysterical state of this country and its people. Everyone seems to be sure of himself/herself defending their own say on Lebanon's big F***kups. If we look in the mirror every day and stare enough at ourselves, maybe, just maybe we can discover that we are but a reflection of those a**h*les we elect and support to govern this circus. We are having a lot of laughing and little of shame.
    Shame on us. And thank you Karl for the lovely piece. You spoke our pains and disgust.

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  27. I think that you can leave lebanon alone as they have enough problems that they can deal with... i dont think any law will make lebanon look better since whatever is the law the same shitty bad people will stay in control... as being bad is not about the religion but about the acts of people in control.... stop your stupid comments about lebanese people, cause you are no one to judge... each country in this world has his own shitty citizens and probelms! and for God's sake stop generalizing because you can never have one opinion and one kind of human beings in one country like lebanon! and go minf your own business!!!

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  28. Thanks for piece such a sensible post. I was looking for this in order; your blog help me a collection.refinance

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.