The Caliph and His Psychiatrist, Exclusive Transcript

In an unrivalled scoop we have managed to obtain a transcript of a conversation between Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his psychiatrist that reveals a hidden and complex side of the jihadi leader who recently declared himself Caliph. The leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria who now goes by the name of Caliph Ibrahim reveals his anxieties about the establishment of the caliphate and the toll the pressure is taking on him. For security reasons our sources shall remain unnamed.

Combating voter apathy in the 21st century: Roundtable discussion with Sisi and Assad

The recent European elections highlighted the problems facing democratic systems today as a result of declining voter participation and political apathy. In order to explore solutions for this problem, we organised a roundtable discussion with two of the leading figures in encouraging voter participation, Egypt’s Abdel Fattah al-Sisi and Syria’s Bashar al-Assad. Both men have organised presidential elections that they are going to win, and have resorted to innovative methods to encourage voting.

Exclusive: Leaked Powerpoint of Saudi Pitch to Obama for Regime Change in Syria

Recently there were unconfirmed reports in the press that Saudi Arabia is planning to pitch regime change in Syria to President Obama. There were doubts about this until the Powerpoint presentation used by the Saudis was leaked. We have obtained this exclusively, you can see it below. Special thanks to @DeanBStrachan  for his efforts in obtaining this.

Click on image to zoom and play the presentation. 

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How Western rationalist philosophy is killing off the prospects of peace in Syria

As the Geneva II Syria peace talks kick off in Montreux (they’re using the Easy Jet airport naming system), most people are dismissing the chances of a breakthrough. And truth be told, the prospects of a negotiated settlement are negligible. But few people are talking about the real reason for that. In a word, Western hegemonic rationalist thinking and its infuriating insistence on binary oppositions. Don’t worry, when I heard that I was confused too, but the person behind the theory, respected post-colonial theorist Professor xMakh Bashani, has agreed to explain to our readers how outdated Western ideas that are inherited from the Enlightenment are ruining chances for peace in Syria.

Professor Bashani outlines the two positions that appear to be contradictory. To simplify ‘Assad must leave’ and ‘Assad must stay’. The former is a position held widely by the Syrian opposition in Montreux (Geneva) and the latter by the official Syrian delegation in Geneva (Montreux in fact). The professor explains that conventional Western rationalism sees those two positions as mutually exclusive. But that is primarily because of the legacy of exclusive thinking in terms of binary oppositions.

Exclusive tittle-tattle interview with the three big jihadi leaders in Syria

In our continuing effort to provide in-depth analysis and information about the situation in Syria we managed to obtain exclusive interviews with the three main jihadi leaders in the country. Much has been said about the three leaders, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), Abu Mohammad al-Jawlani the leader of Al-Nusra Front and Zahran Alloush the leader of the Islamic Front, but no other media organisation has managed to obtain such exclusive access to all three men and then relay what they said to each other. No doubt our reputation as the prime source of alternative narratives is what allowed us to get this scoop.

There has been much friction between the three men and their factions in recent weeks, and we endeavoured to get to the bottom of that with insightful and inquisitive questions. Read the transcripts of those fascinating interviews below, they will give you a comprehensive view of the emerging jihadi world in Syria.

What this old way of selling mediocre donkeys can tell us about jihadis in Syria

In the old days in the Levant if you had a mediocre donkey that you wanted to sell you resorted to a time-tested method. You place the mediocre donkey next to the skinniest, weakest-looking donkey you can find which makes the mediocre donkey look far more attractive to prospective buyers. Many a naïve person was parted with his gold in return for an average donkey. Everything is relative, as they say.

Essay: The Arab Uprisings and Self-Determination - The Missed Opportunity

This essay was written in August 2013 and was published in German in Novo Argumente. I am publishing it in English for the first time here. 

As I write these words, a bloody massacre is being committed by the Egyptian police and army as they attempt to clear out two Muslim Brotherhood encampments set up to protest the military coup that removed President Mohamed Morsi from power on the 3rd of July. Amid the violence that claimed hundreds of lives, the authorities declared the return of the dreaded State of Emergency, a reminder of Egypt’s decades-long dictatorship which came to end when Hosni Mubarak was deposed on the 11th of February 2011. The combination of the violent repression and the reinstatement of the State of Emergency have effectively ended Egypt’s short-lived democracy, at least for now.

Your Syrian Horoscope

Your Syrian Horoscope for the first week of October 2013.

 Aries 
21 March – 19 April

Not a good week to start a business, look for a job, start dating or buy a house. Use this as an opportunity to organize your thoughts and plan for the future and avoid going out unless it’s absolutely necessary. Chances of bread shortage are very high.

The incredible story of how Putin used secret KGB chess tactics to outwit the US

Kavlov in 1949, a secret photograph taken by US intelligence camera concealed in his chess board

Russia’s incredibly quick response to John Kerry’s suggestion yesterday that Syria could avert a US strike if it handed its chemical weapons was a masterful tactical move by the Kremlin master. Putin instructed his Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov to make a statement that Russia will ensure that Syria will surrender and agree to the destruction of its chemical weapon, extending a process a lifeline to president Obama who was struggling to convince US representatives of the necessity of attacking Syria.

Many commentators have pointed that Putin’s quick thinking has offered a convenient solution for all involved, but few have recognised the role that chess played in this incident. Keen enthusiast of the game will recognise that Putin’s proposal was a variation on the classic ‘Jabowntski sacrifice’, in which a functionally-degraded chess piece is sacrificed to create space for manoeuvre elsewhere. But that is only half the story.

Who are the moderates in Syria? A so-so guide to easy-going rebels

The US Secretary of State John Kerry has asserted that moderate rebel groups in Syria are growing in influence, contrary to the common perception that the rebels are dominated by Islamic extremists. In order to get to the bottom of this we commissioned an in-depth study that has concluded that moderates do indeed represent the majority of the Syrian rebels. They are however constantly over-shadowed by the jihadis who frequently do rebel-ish things like fighting battles and shrieking while waving rifles in the air. The moderates are prevented by an innate sense of decorum from acting in this buffoonish way but that doesn’t mean that they are not a significant, albeit subtle, force within Syria. 

An Ingenious Plan: How the CIA Vets the Syrian Rebels

So the decision has been taken, and the US will start training and arming the Syrian rebels after vetting them in Jordan. Now we all know what a capable organisation the CIA is so we should all be optimistic about this daring plan. The minor fuck-ups that the CIA has been involved in during its existence should not be a reason for us to doubt this carefully-considered plan. In order to illustrate the strength of its vetting programme, the CIA has allowed us to sit in on a few of those interviews scheduled to begin next month. Below is an accurate transcript of how they went:

CIA Agent: Come in please, I’m agent Johnson and this is agent Johnson. And you are?

Syrian rebel: Mohamed Asa’ad.

Obama to flip a coin to decide what to do in Syria

Following months of indecision and paralysis, the US administration today revealed an initiative for President Barack Obama to flip a coin to decide what course of action to take in Syria. The unexpected declaration has electrified the on-going debate over Syria and sharply divided opinions within policy circles.

President Obama announced the initiative in a press conference held at the White House this morning, outlining the reasons for this unusual but not unheard of strategy. In a typically dramatic gesture, Obama took a coin out of his pocket and lifted it up and declared “this is change we can believe in.” This was interpreted by analysts as a reference to Obama’s popular election campaign slogan in 2008, and was seen as an attempt to tie the initiative to Obama’s earlier idealistic policies.

 

Satellite Navigation Error Sends Hezbollah’s Men Fighting In The Wrong Place in Syria

In an embarrassing admission for the Lebanese party, it emerged today that a satellite navigation error was responsible for Hezbollah’s men fighting in the wrong part of Syria. The Party of God’s fighters were on their way to participate in The Campaign To Defend The Shrine of Sayyidah Zaynab located just outside Damascus, but ended up by mistake in the town of al-Qusayr near the northern border between Syria and Lebanon, some 100 miles away from their intended destination.

The town has been the scene of intense fighting between Syrian rebels and government troops for several days, and the arrival of hundreds of heavily-armed Hezbollah fighters was somehow misinterpreted by the rebels as a sign of aggression so they opened fire on the convoy and the Lebanese fighters had no option but to retaliate. The situation quickly escalated and Hezbollah’s fighters were drawn into the battle. Judging by the continuous supplies they are receiving however, it seems that their satellite navigation devices are still making the same mistake.

The Angry Arab Interviews Himself About Syria

The Angry Arab has been conducting a series of interviews with journalists and analysts about the situation in Syria for a while now, asking questions that you would never see in the ‘mainstream media’ as he calls it. He had promised to interview himself at the end of the series, and we are lucky that he decided to allow us to publish this remarkable interview which sheds so much light on one of the most unusual Arab writers and commentators around today. It also gives a unique insight into the situation in Syria unlike anything you might read anywhere else. Here goes:

AA: It’s quite unusual for an analyst to interview themselves, don’t you think it’s a bit pretentious?

AA: You’re one to talk.

The rise of sectarian conflicts will not fragment the Levant

Read my first comment piece for The National: The rise of sectarian conflicts will not fragment the Levant

The EU is running a Jihadi exchange programme in Syria

Recent reports revealed that the EU has been running a Jihadi exchange programme, modelled after the successful Erasmus Programme, with Syria over the past year. It is understood that around 600 people from 14 different European countries have taken part, travelling to Syria to get a first-hand experience of the Jihadi culture. The programme is understood to be part of the Euro-Mediterranean initiative to improve communication and exchange between the participating countries.

Until 2011, Syria was a net exporter of Jihadists and the country had hardly any Jihadi activities within. But since then the government has undertaken a policy shift which has seen it increase its local Jihadi production significantly. In parallel, Syria initiated several programmes to attract foreign Jihadists to the country, and invited the Jihadists that it had previously sent to countries like Iraq and Lebanon to return and participate in the nation-wide programme.

 

The Tinker of Damascus: A Very Short John le Carré Story

‘Quelle Syrie! ‘

Expression current in France in the early years of this century. Describes an insoluble mess.

Smiley arrived on a Friday in a rainstorm. The rain fell down like a stream of bullets from a machine gun then drifted helplessly across Beirut’s crumbling façades. The streets in Hamra had begun to fill like a bathtub, which reminded him of the summer he spent with the old man. Smiley was sure the taxi driver that brought him from the airport had over-charged him, then looked at him blankly as he asked for a receipt. The housekeepers at the reptile fund won’t be happy with this.

Smiley wasn’t sure how Control had convinced him to come out of retirement. Syria was beginning to unravel very fast and the PM didn’t want to have another disaster like Libya. The Competition were caught with their trousers down, wondering in the desert dressed like Lawrence of Arabia. The new breed of managers at The Circus were out of their depth and Control dropped the affair in Smiley’s lap. Ann had disappeared six months ago, and boredom had been gnawing at his mind like a hungry rat. He was tired of trying to bridge the gap between then and now and said yes before he had a chance to consider.

Syria: A Human Flood from the Baath State

Read my latest piece for Syria Deeply A Human Flood from the Baath State about the rural/urban divide in Syria and its impact on the uprising. Below you can watch in full Omar Amiralay's excellent film A Flood in Baath Country which I discuss in the article. 

"In 2003’s “A Flood in Baath Country,” Amiralay developed this theme as a metaphor for the Baathist ‘deep state’, as he revisited the Euphrates dam which featured in his early work. Four decades into its existence, the party and its leaders had clearly formed no real allegiances in Syria’s inland regions. Despite its omnipresence, it remained a remote and detached entity as reflected in the repetitive slogans the people used throughout the film to talk about it." Excerpt from the article.

The real lesson of Iraq: there are no good interventions.

Fate decided that the 10th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, regarded widely as an occasion to reflect on the lessons of that catastrophic adventure, would occur against the backdrop of the on-going debate over intervention in Syria. For interventionists this represents an opportunity to re-establish a distinction between good interventions and bad interventions. Their aim is clear: to salvage the doctrine of humanitarian interventionism and dissociate it from the bitter legacy of Iraq’s invasion. This is nothing short of a wilful attempt NOT to learn the lessons of Iraq.

Did the Muslim Brotherhood Hijack Syria's Revolution?

“No one in Syria expected the anti-regime uprising to last this long or be this deadly, but after around 70,000 dead, 1 million refugees, and two years of unrest, there is still no end in sight. While President Bashar al-Assad's brutal response is mostly to blame, the opposition's chronic failure to form a viable front against the regime has also allowed the conflict to drag on. And there's one anti-Assad group that is largely responsible for this dismal state of affairs: Syria's Muslim Brotherhood.” 

In an article published yesterday in FP, Hassan Hassan argued that the Muslim Brotherhood is largely to blame for the failure of the Syrian opposition to overcome its divisions and play a more decisive role in the Syrian uprising. In How the Muslim Brotherhood Hijacked Syria's Revolution, Hassan described how the Brotherhood exploited its regional connections and disproportionally large representation within the myriad bodies of the ‘external’ opposition to increase its own influence at the expense of the opposition’s effectiveness and unity.