26 Sep 2014

The ideal Twitter diet: eat your way to better tweets

As someone who’s on Twitter, I get asked a lot about what’s the best diet to follow in order to tweet successfully. It’s a subject that I have thought about a lot during the past half an hour, and therefore decided to write a guide for people who are too busy to design their own diets. It’s a matter of common courtesy, you owe it to the people who follow you to eat properly in order to keep them informed and entertained. So here we go.



In many ways, the kind of Twitter diet that you should follow depends on what kind of Twitter person you want to be. There’s isn’t a one-size-fits-diet, and you should determine your priorities on Twitter before choosing the right diet for you. No amount of introspection in these matters is too much; your self-esteem is directly linked to the image you want to project on social media after all.

Vegetarianism

A vegetarian diet deprives people of vital proteins and makes eating more of a chore than an enjoyable experience, making people both lethargic and grumpy all the time. This is ideal for Twitter, grumpiness can contribute to effective rants which are valued highly on Twitter. Being lethargic also means that you are more likely to spend more time on Twitter, and less inclined to get up and do something else like cleaning the house or getting a job. This will ensure that you will dedicate whatever little energy you have to cultivating a Twitter following and interacting with them regularly.


Veganism

Being vegan inevitably makes people self-righteous and insufferably pious, characteristics that are quite useful on Twitter. In fact many of the biggest Twitter celebrities thrive by virtue of their self-righteousness and constantly talking about how great they are. They will mention every little act of charity they do, and their tweets always highlight how they are right about everything, the world should be grateful.

Being that self-righteous also means they are more likely to be outraged all the time and at the smallest of things, which is what the entire moral infrastructure of Twitter is based on. No offhand remark by an obscure person anywhere in the world can escape the wrath of the Twitter good and great, ensuring that we all remain vigilant against minor offences.

Junk Food

Junk food is the right choice if you want to be fun on Twitter, which isn’t for everybody. People who eat junk food don’t care about their health and well-being, which means that they treat everything flippantly. The importance of being flippant on Twitter cannot be emphasised enough, particularly when it comes to making a joke about sad events after the customary period of three minutes and a half of respect has ended. As soon as this is over, Twitter folk will quickly jump in with witty one-liners to mark the latest celebrity death or international disaster. Burgers, kebabs, and fried chicken are the essential ingredients of this diet, and make sure you take the large drink. See also: smoking.

Smoking

Smoking is important in two ways: first it makes you more flippant and secondly because it means you take more breaks throughout the day while the suckers at the office are at their desks, giving you more valuable time to spend on Twitter and keep up with the latest events. Many a great tweet has been written on a smoking break.

Drugs

The effects of drugs on your Twitter performance will largely depend on the type of drug you consume.

Alcohol

Alcohol is a great ingredient of the perfect Twitter diet, but it has its downsides. Alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions and you will feel less anxious about making a fool of yourself in front of the entire world. After two or three drinks, (this varies from person to person) you arrive at a perfect balance between being relaxed and witty and being sober enough to type correctly. It’s estimated that 73% of the best tweets ever were written in this state. When you drink more than that and keep tweeting, it’s hilarious for the rest of us but you’ll end up looking like an idiot.

Now you are ready to eat and drink your way to a successful Twitter experience. Don’t forget not to exercise and stay fit, unless you want to be one of the self-righteous ones. And don’t forget to share this on Twitter for the benefit of others

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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