Lebanon Solves Global Food Crisis – By Eating Faeces

The tiny nation of Lebanon has come up with a radical solution to solve the global food crisis that will go a long way towards creating a sustainable food source for the entire planet: human faeces. The bold scheme has been running for a few years now and has proved so successful that the country has decided to publicise it and launch a campaign to make it go global.

God is of Lebanese Origin!

Omar Sharif, Mika, Salma Hayek, Terrence Malick, Paul Anka, and many many others are all international celebrities of Lebanese origin. But those big names are about to be eclipsed by the biggest personality of them all – God! According to the findings of a recent extensive investigation, God is also of Lebanese origin, a revelation that is bound to shock the world and increase the Lebanese people’s pride in their country.

The Jezebel Complex and Lebanese Women Today

There’s a persistent stereotype when it comes to Lebanese women today that I often come across both in real-life conversations and on social media. Lebanese women pay excessive attention to their appearance, they do too much plastic surgery, they use too much makeup and so on. The implication is that Lebanese women are superficial and this supposed excessive attention to physical appearance reflects a lack of intellectual capabilities.

Incredible archive of ancient unseen photographs discovered in Lebanon

While working at a soup kitchen in London a few months ago, I made a startling discovery that revealed a secret archive of photographs from Lebanon dating back for millennia that I am now sharing with the world. A very, very old man approached me and I detected a hint of a Phoenician accent in the way he spoke English and I quizzed him I realised he is also from Lebanon. Over the next few weeks I built a relationship with the man, Abdeshmun of Byblos, and he revealed to me his fascinating story, and in the process revealed the vast archive of six photographs that he possessed which today we are publishing for the first time.

Exclusive: ISIS internal memos from Lebanon

The following documents where retrieved from a building that was occupied by jihadis from the Islamic State of Syria and Iraq (ISIS) in Lebanon following the group's recent entry into the country. They paint a revealing picture of the group's operations there and the type of problems they faced with local recruits. Click on the images to zoom.

Four World Cups and One Long Civil War: A Football and War Memoir

Argentina 1978

In 1978 I was seven and I knew very little about football. But hearing the adults and my older cousins talk about the World Cup that summer made me curious. I remember trying to match their enthusiasm but it wasn’t easy, not least because we didn’t have a television in those days. My father, a military man both by profession and disposition, regarded them as unnecessary distractions.

Middle East Week Podcast on Presidential Elections in Lebanon

This week I did Middle East Week Podcast with the host Karl Morand, we discussed the presidential election in Lebanon and wider prospects for the country. You can listen to it here.

Lebanese Politician Inaction Figures

Lebanese politician inaction figures. They don't do anything but they last for a very long time.

The Alternative Guide To Lebanon

Lebanon, a small Mediterranean country, has been in the news this past week following the revelation that the actor George Clooney got engaged to Amal Alamuddin, a British woman of Lebanese descent.

Stapler Accidentally Elected President of Lebanon

In an unusual development, a stapler has been accidentally elected President of Lebanon today. The stapler was placed on the desk of the Speaker of the Parliament Nabih Berry during today's voting session, and it attracted the attention of several MPs due to its unusual design. Some of the MPs decided to jokingly vote for the stapler instead of casting blank ballots which was their original plan, but when the votes were counted it was discovered that the stapler had received enough votes to win the election. After hurriedly consulting the rule books, the Speaker could not find any reasons to disqualify the stapler so he had to announce it as the new President of Lebanon.

Explore the amazing Lebanese Google Maps

Click on image to zoom and play

Explore the amazing Lebanese Google Maps, including the new street view.

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The silly guide to forming a cabinet in Lebanon

With the news that a new Lebanese cabinet (of the minister-ish not the woody variety) has been nearly formed, we thought we would provide a simple guide to this elaborate and highly complex procedure involving complicated balancing acts and political acrobatics that make a Mensa test look like a children’s puzzle. So here goes:

First, the cabinet must be split evenly between Christians and Muslims, which is why cabinets rarely have an odd number of ministers. An odd number makes splitting a cabinet evenly very difficult but not impossible because normal mathematical laws don’t apply in Lebanon. For the purpose of this exercise Jews are either ignored or counted as Christians. Although theologically suspect, this is justified on the basis that they have Christian names.

Would you like a Viagra with that, Sir? A short sketch on privacy in Lebanon

Customer: Hello.

Pharmacist: Hello, hello, how are we doing today?

Customer: Ehhh. Can I have some Panadol please?

Pharmacist: Your children giving you a headache?

Customer: No, I don’t have children.

Pharmacist: Would you like the small one with 12 tablets or this special package with 500?

Customer: The small one please.

Lebanon thanks all the kings - لبنان يشكر كل الملوك

Recently a billboard appeared in Beirut thanking the King of Saudi Arabia for donating $3 billion to the Lebanese Army, which caused a lot of controversy. Ever so resourceful, the Lebanese people replaced the billboard with another thanking all the kings, past and present. Click on the image below to see, the original billboard is at the bottom. (Thanks to Gregg Carlstrom @glcarlstrom for the original photograph.)

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What happened when Lebanon introduced police lineups

The Lebanese police are always looking for ways to modernise and as part of this quest for improvement they recently introduced police lineups for the first time in the history of the country. We were invited to observe and report this unique experiment.

A man who had been robbed at gunpoint was brought into a chamber separated by one-way glass from another room in which six men that are similar in appearance stood in a classic lineup. The police officer in charge of the investigation, Colonel Karam, conducted the proceedings with the victim, Mr Adel X.

Karam: “Adel, do you recognise any of these men?”

Adel: “Can number one step closer please?”

Dear Britain: A Reply from Lebanon

That looks complicated. We're so impressed

Dear Britain,

We recently received a spam letter from one of your representatives and while we appreciate the effort that went into writing it, you must understand that we are busy and we don’t have time to read advice from former global powers. We have tried to unsubscribe from your spam by replying to the email with ‘unsubscribe’ in the subject line but invariably we keep getting unsolicited advice from your politicians, ambassadors, journalists and Robert Fisk. So we had no other option but to write this letter.

Firstly, let’s address the matter of age. We get the impression that you were talking down to us as a young 70-year-old republic. The key word here is republic, something that still eludes you as you cling to an archaic monarchy and try to pass it off as a national quirk rather than the medieval anachronism that it is.

 

Exclusive: The Text of Jumblatt's Letter to Bashar al-Assad

As the Daily Star reported today, Walid Jumblatt sent a conciliatory letter to Bashar al-Assad. In an exclusive scoop, we have obtained the full text of this letter that signals major shifts in the region in the coming period.

Dear Bashar,

I am writing you at this critical juncture of the history of the heroic Arab nation, hoping that you will have the foresight and patience to hear what I have to say. Yes, I am indeed back in one of my pan-Arab phases. I don’t understand why people criticise me for those phases that I have, I think of them as the equivalent of Picasso’s periods. They are expressions of my political creativity. ‘Principles, principles’ they say. So boring.

The Phoenicians Invent Government

Lebanese MPs extend their term, argue that ‘time is relative anyway’

Lebanon’s parliament today extended its mandate until November 2014 in a move to postpone the country’s parliamentary elections. The assembled MPs argued that ‘time is relative anyway’ and made a plea for Lebanese citizens to accept the scientific foundations of their decision.

The parliamentary session witnessed heated debates between the majority of MPs who subscribe to Einstein’s general theory of relativity and a minority who tried to scupper the motion by relying on quantum mechanics, but there was no swaying the ardent relativists who succeeded in imposing their interpretation.

Photograph of a Beirut Metro Station

Click to zoom

What would a metro station in Beirut look like? Click on the image to find out.