14 Jan 2015

World Agrees Hypocrisy Is Our Only Hope

In an unprecedented realisation that represents global consensus such as we have never seen before, the entire world has awoken to the same epiphany today: hypocrisy is our only hope. A week to the day since the attacks on Charlie Hebdo’s office in Paris, and after an intense week of debate and argument, reality has sunk in for all Homo sapiens: we cannot ever hope of living up to any shared principles and we must embrace hypocrisy as our only hope of achieving global harmony.

The historic epiphany was experienced first in New Zealand as people started to wake up on the morning of January 14, and made its way across the time zones as people from Australia to Greece were having their morning coffee. In the words of a generic Christian from Sydney: ‘I woke up with a crushing sense of despair, I am tired from all the arguments and the bickering, then with the first sip of coffee I had this almost magical epiphany, if we were all equally hypocritical everything would be fine.'

The day before a generic Muslim had argued that since Jews are protected in European countries from being offended, then Muslims should be granted the same right. A generic Hindu felt outraged that such protections are always granted to monotheists but nobody cares about the feelings of polytheists. A generic Buddhist expressed similar opinions. A generic Jew agreed with all of them, saying he or she didn’t want special treatment. A generic liberal was more than happy to go along, and apologised for any offences that other liberals might have caused.

It is thought that this sequence of events triggered something in the collective human psyche that night, as it became apparent that rather than fighting hypocrisy the answer is to simply embrace it and make it the universal norm. A still-sleepy Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary General of the United Nations said: ‘I am happy we can all finally agree on something. The United Nations is the model for this type of thinking. I am going back to sleep now but tomorrow we will outline a new proposal to embrace this surprising turnaround in the human condition.’

A renowned generic Western postmodern philosopher was quick to embrace this new reality, laying in broad brushstrokes the basis of his or her next best seller. He or she argued convincingly: ‘Look there are 7 billion people on the planet, we can’t ever hope to achieve consensus among all of them, regardless of how much we reduce them to generic stereotypes. If the population of the Earth was smaller, say about twenty people, we would have a chance. But now it’s too difficult. Buy my new book out in two months: ‘The Audacity of Hypocirsy’.’

One unexpected outcome of this epiphany was a widespread change of heart towards the participation of world leaders in the solidarity march in Paris a few days ago. The leaders, most of whom have shameful records on human rights and freedom of speech, had come under heavy criticism for their participation in the march because of their apparent hypocrisy. However, everyone now agrees that those leaders had in fact shown the way forward, taking the first steps in the historic march towards embracing hypocrisy as our most valued shared norm.

In the spirit of this new hypocritical world, it was our delight to report on these events. Long live global harmony.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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