14 Nov 2014

Lebanon Solves Global Food Crisis – By Eating Faeces

The tiny nation of Lebanon has come up with a radical solution to solve the global food crisis that will go a long way towards creating a sustainable food source for the entire planet: human faeces. The bold scheme has been running for a few years now and has proved so successful that the country has decided to publicise it and launch a campaign to make it go global.

Lebanese Food and Health Minister Wael Abou Faour announced the innovative solution in a press conference last week, creating a lot of controversy and debate about the unconventional food source. Many Lebanese were not aware of the type of food they were consuming but they all agreed that it tasted as good as meat if not better. A study revealed that the faeces-based food was safe to eat and had no harmful health effects.

A Lebanese chef involved in the experiment explained that with the use of the right spices and herbs in specific amounts it was possible not only to conceal the taste and smell of faeces but also to make it taste as good as the best cuts of meat. The basic components are black pepper, paprika, cumin, coriander and other classic Lebanese spices and herbs. He recommends using Lebanese faeces for its high quality, which is expected to open up a huge export market for Lebanese producers.

The slogan for the Lebanese sustainable food campaign is ‘From you and back to you’ which neatly describes the efficiency and environmental benefits of the idea. Not only it will help reduce meat consumption and solve food shortages, it will also reduce the amount of waste that Lebanon has to deal with. As a spokesman put it ‘the Lebanese invented the alphabet which changed the world, and now we are changing the world again’.

The campaign however received negative coverage in some local and international outlets, and it’s thought that Israel is behind this slanderous campaign to discredit Lebanon on the international stage, in its effort to stifle Lebanese creativity and competition. The media tried to represent the story as a health scandal by attributing false statements to Lebanese officials, but these attempts will be exposed for what they are, according to the same spokesperson.

The ideal uses for faeces-meat, which will be rebranded ‘Lebanese recycled meat’ (LRM) are in kebabs, shawarma, hamburgers, and other Lebanese classic dishes, as well as in pasta and other minced-meat dishes. It is recommended that novices should start with small amounts of LRM to get used to it, gradually increasing the percentage until they are eating 100% recycled meat. The campaign website provides great recipes and preparation methods.

The Lebanese have been generally very proud of the programme, and have been taking to social media to express their support for the campaign. There is already talk of nominating Lebanon for the Nobel Prize, and it is hard to see anyone else beating them to the prize. A tiny country has once again surprised the world with its creativity and innovation.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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