2 Aug 2013

UK Government Nationalises Racism, Launches ‘Fuck Off or Face Arrest’ Campaign

Acknowledging for the first time that the private sector has failed to play its part successfully over the past few years, the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of formally nationalising racism and xenophobia. The Home Office has been granted new powers to allow it to improve both the supply and quality of racism encountered by the average non-white person on the street. To avoid accusations of discrimination, this will apply to all non-white people regardless of nationality.

The move comes as a setback to Prime Minister David Cameron’s faith in the free market, but commentators say it was inevitable as private contractors like the EDL and the BNP had failed to deter people from coming to the UK and were facing serious challenges in attracting investment. The coalition government had no option but to nationalise crucial sectors that have both economic and cultural significance.

The recent launch of the ‘Fuck Off or Face Arrest’ campaign represents the first practical implementation of the nationalisation by the Home Office. Some ministers were hesitant about the name, but the Home Secretary convinced them that it carried sufficient force to show that the government is serious. The campaign has seen Home Office staff acquire new ‘stop, search and intimidate’ powers designed to encourage non-whites to ‘seek warmer climates’ in the words of one official.

To increase the efficacy of the scheme, the Home Office is providing real-time announcements about its operations through Twitter and other social media. Yesterday for example it boasted of the arrest of Svetlana Maziorska, a 73-year old woman in a wheelchair from the Ukraine, and Ahmed Ahmed, a blind thirteen-year old boy from Afghanistan.

A Home Office spokesperson said: “We have arrested all sorts. The tired, the poor, some huddled masses, generally the wretched refuse of our teeming shores. I don’t know why they keep coming here, but they should get the message now.”

Officials feel very confident about the success of the scheme, but they have promised to de-nationalise the sector at the earliest opportunity and allow the private sector to play its traditional role in the areas of racism and xenophobia.

In a separate development, it emerged today that the Home Office is facing difficulties recruiting enough thuggish-looking staff to implement the scheme and will now be advertising those positions in East European countries.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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