“I told you so”, Arab cynic says as the hopes of millions are dashed

An Arab man last night summed up the feelings of thousands of other cynics with four short words: “I told you so.” The statement galvanised the cynic community and emboldened them to express their long-repressed views about the so-called ‘Arab Spring’, in what has been described as a historic resurgence of misanthropy in the Middle East.

“I knew it all along”, said Rami Kamel, 33, originally from Egypt but who now lives in New York and describes himself as an ‘ethical techpreneur’. Experts agree that the made-up word clearly indicates what an irritating, know-it-all type of person he is, but that shouldn’t detract from the power of his words. Mr Kamel took time off signing an online petition for the protection of ancient tribal land in the Amazon to make the historic statement that has resonated across the Middle East.

The Phoenicians Invent Government

Exclusive: transcript of the intercepted al-Qaeda phone call that sparked embassy closures

Thanks to our sources in the US State Department, we have obtained the transcript of the al-Qaeda telephone call that sparked temporary US embassy closures in the Middle East and worldwide travel warnings. The conversation between al-Qaeda global leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and Nasir al-Wuhayshi, the head of Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) makes it clear why the US had no option but to raise the terrorist threat level to its highest code.

UK Government Nationalises Racism, Launches ‘Fuck Off or Face Arrest’ Campaign

Acknowledging for the first time that the private sector has failed to play its part successfully over the past few years, the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of formally nationalising racism and xenophobia. The Home Office has been granted new powers to allow it to improve both the supply and quality of racism encountered by the average non-white person on the street. To avoid accusations of discrimination, this will apply to all non-white people regardless of nationality.

المبان في آل علمان: دليلك إلى الليبراليين والشيوعيين وباقي العلمانيين

يتفق الجميع على أن العلمانيين هم القوة الحقيقة وراء "الربيع العربي" ولكننا لا نعرف سوى القليل عن هذه المجموعة المغمورة والتي لا تحب الأضواء باستثناء ظهور هنا وهناك على البي بي سي، السي إن إن، أو الغارديان وبعض المؤتمرات الدولية. ولكن من هم هؤلاء الناس حقاً؟ للإجابة على هذا السؤال، قمنا بدراسة موثقة من شأنها لأول مرة تسليط الضوء على العلمانيين العرب والجماعات السياسية المختلفة الخاصة بهم، وما المشروبات المفضلة لديهم.

Liberals, Communists and Assorted Infidels: The Ultimate Guide to Arab Secularists

Everyone agrees that secularists are the real force behind the ‘Arab Spring’, yet we know so little about this obscure group of people that toils in virtual anonymity. Aside from the occasional foray onto the BBC, CNN, The Guardian and international leadership conferences, that is. But who are these people really? To answer that question, we commissioned an authoritative study that will for the first time shed light on Arab secularists, their different political groups, and what their favourite drinks are.

The Liberals

The liberals are the granddaddies of all Arab secularists. They see themselves as the vanguard in the fight against Islamists, and they often say things like: “this is not my true Islam”, despite not having set foot in a mosque for 17 years. They mostly work for the UN, the World Bank, and western think tanks, but this doesn’t fool Arab leftists who know that this is the perfect cover for the western imperialist conspiracy.

Egyptian man experience vague sense of déjà vu while out protesting in support of the army

An Egyptian man experienced a vague sense of déjà vu while out protesting in support of the army last Friday. Mohamed al-Nassi, 64 from Cairo, felt the yet unexplained sensation when he was at Tahrir Square carrying a large poster of army chief Abdul Fattah al-Sisi.