21 Mar 2014

The Wondrous Tales of Wisdom Of Mawlana al-Baghdadi

A companion of mawlana al-Baghdadi recounts one of his wondrous tales to his followers
Mawlana Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the Emir of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria is known for being a fierce fighter and upholder of the banner of Islam. Less known is that he is a gifted orator and debater who has put many a Christian and atheist to shame with his great knowledge and superb reasoning powers. Mawlana al-Baghdadi’s debating anecdotes are collected in a book to be released soon by Penguin. A selection of those great anecdotes that show his glory and mastery of reason are recounted below.

Once an atheist man came to mawlana al-Baghdadi and challenged him to a debate. Mawlana al-Baghdadi accepted the challenge with his customary generosity and allowed the heathen to go first. The cocky atheist said ‘science tells us that the Earth is spherical like a ball but there is no indication in Islam of this basic fact. What do you say to that Baghdadi?’

Mawlana al-Baghdadi considered for a moment and then said ‘if the Earth was rounded, wouldn’t that mean that the heathens in Australia and other such places in which the religion of God hasn’t spread yet would fall off? Science can tell us somethings atheist but it cannot tell us everything.’

Upon hearing this, the atheist wept loudly and came to mawlana and embraced him and he said ‘you are truly a man of superb reasoning powers, I was wrong to challenge you, please forgive me.’ Mawlana generously accepted the heathen’s apology and embraced him back then beheaded him in front of the gathered crowd and there was much rejoicing and that night there was a big feast.

Another time mawlana al-Baghdadi was sitting outside his house eating sunflower seeds when a Christian came by him and said ‘oh al-Baghdadi, you who uphold the banner of Islam, your religion is no match to mine for our religion came first. What do you say to that?’

Quickly the word spread round and the whole town came to witness the debate. Mawlana al-Baghdadi considered for a while, and then for a little bit more, and then some more. There was an awkward silence among the crowd, but those close to mawlana never doubted him. At last mawlana raised his arm for the crowd to stop murmuring and announced: ‘oh you polytheist whose heart doesn’t recognise the true religion, is it not true that Windows 8 is far better than Windows 7? And is it not true that Windows 7 was perfectly ok until Windows 8 came out? Do you see where I am going with this?’

The polytheist considered this for a while for the heart of the polytheist is clouded by unreason but finally he understood the point of mawlana al-Baghdadi and screamed at his own lack of understanding. He started weeping and went to mawlana and embraced him, and mawlana forgave him his impertinence and then beheaded him and that night everybody had tea with cakes and thanked God for the wisdom of mawlana al-Baghdadi.

A third time mawlana al-Baghdadi was sitting by a tree thinking of ways to uphold the glorious banner of the Islamic State when a Jew passed him by. The Jew recognised mawlana from the blurry images that are available of him on the internet and some say it was the wish of Allah that he did. The Jew impertinently and without consideration to his glorious and respected stature said ‘oh Baghdadi, if it’s true that the universe was created by your Allah, then who created your Allah?’ (Scholars have come to the conclusion that the Jew, like many of the Jews, was an atheist in fact, but clung to his Jewishness as a form of cultural identity and for the food.)

An feeling of rage came upon the companions of mawlana al-Baghdadi and some of them volunteered to behead the Jew right there and then, and some of them wondered loudly how a Jew could be walking openly in Syria at this time of the war and that this really stretched the limits of credibility of those stories. But mawlana silenced them and hinted at the suspension of disbelief for dramatic purposes which silenced the hotheads among the crowd immediately.

Mawlana al-Baghdadi thought and thought, waiting for Allah to enlighten his heart with the proper response to the impertinent Jewish challenger. Then he thought and thought some more, and then a little bit more. Then it became awkward and stretched much longer than is deemed appropriate for the build-up of suspense in a dramatic context. When mawlana noticed that he was losing the crowd and some of them were already leaving in order to beat the traffic, he quickly drew his sword and beheaded the Jewish infidel with one clean swipe of his mighty sword.

The crowd cheered the wisdom of mawlana al-Baghdadi and was once again impressed by his powers of reasoning and skilful debate and many said so right there and then. That night there was a big feast and everybody ate till they were full and the story was passed on from generation to generation.

Let these wondrous tales of the wisdom of mawlana Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi be a lesson for every infidel who contemplates challenging the wisest, strongest and most well-endowed of our leaders of the glorious jihad. Your Western reason is no match to mawlana’s wit and wisdom. Repent before it’s too late.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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