15 Jan 2014

God Interviews A Suicide Bomber

God: Come in, come in

Dead Bomber: Blessings be upon you…

God: Cut that out, I’m good. There have been so many of you people blowing yourselves up, I decided to interview you personally. But this is not something I normally do. Why are you doing that?

Dead Bomber: Eh, we thought that’s what you wanted.

God: You thought what? Are you insane? Why would I want you to blow yourself up? And kill other people on top of that? It’s in all religions, ‘Don’t Kill’. Number one. The first thing. How can you miss it?

Dead Bomber: But we thought we’re doing it for you..

God: FOR ME? I created all of this all on my own, I can do whatever I want. I can turn a volcano upside down just by clicking this button here. Don’t ask me why I need this button. Why would I need your help? What twisted logic have you people come up with?

Dead Bomber: Ehm, it’s the afterlife…

God: Afterlife? What afterlife? There is no afterlife! You think this is a computer game? You die and you go to level two? And you didn’t even finish level one, you just opted out.

Dead Bomber: But all the Books talk promise an afterlife, a paradise…

God: It’s a metaphor! How did you people not get that? It’s specifically written in an allegorical manner so you get that. Look at me, discussing literature with an idiot who blew himself up.

Dead Bomber: So there’s no paradise?

God: No, you schmuk. That’s it, you die and you’re gone. I’m making an exception because I wanted to understand what foolishness you people were getting up to. I keep my eye off Earth for a few years, and you people spring up!

Dead Bomber: And the rivers of milk and honey and all of that?

God: You think I’m in catering? What impertinence! It’s enough work looking after you when you’re alive; you want me to spend eternity giving you free food? Like I have nothing better to do. Do you know how many universes I’m running now? Idiots!

Dead Bomber: And the beautiful maidens that we were promised…?

God: WHAT? Just what kind of establishment do you think I’m running here? It was all a metaphor, a story about how you’re supposed to live your life. How can you take it literally? If you’re good, you have inner peace, that’s it. That’s paradise. If you’re evil, you live a tormented inner life. You people have come and blown the whole system away. No pun intended.

Dead Bomber: I’m sorry, we just didn’t realize. You see there were those other people, the infidels who didn’t believe in you correctly. The crusaders and the rejectionists…

God: So you blow them up? Who do you think put them there? You utter imbeciles. You know I might introduce eternal damnation just for people like you. I’ll have to send someone to Earth to tell humans about it. I haven’t done that in centuries, I can’t even remember the shortcut. Get out. GET OUT! Before I turn you to salt.

Dead Bomber: What will happen to me now?

God: I might send you back as a swine, that should teach you. No, I’m pulling your leg. You will die and that’s it.

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1 comment:

  1. This is a good one. I found it on Zite the iPad mag and also posted it on face book. Loved it.


Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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