17 Dec 2012

Julian Assange: Diary of a Hidden Messiah

How Klaus Kinski might look in the role of Julian Assange
To satisfy public curiosity about Julian Assange’s life inside the Ecuador embassy, we are publishing excerpts from his diary. We won’t comment on how we obtained these documents.

Day 27
I woke up with a stiff neck this morning. It comes from my habit of sleeping with my arms stretched perpendicular to me body and my neck head tilted to the side. Like Jesus. In his own way, Jesus was a kind of Julian Assange. He took information that was guarded in secret by the rabbis and opened it up to everyone.

Day 34
I think the cleaning lady has been reading my papers. What kind of person looks at another person’s private documents?

Day 53
Thousands of Arabs come to visit me to thank me for starting the Arab Spring. They are prevented by the police from coming close to the embassy, so they go to nearby Harrods to gather there. The establishment media pretends that they are there for shopping, but I know that they’re here to show their gratitude.

Day 60
I stepped out on the balcony today to deliver a speech. It was very dramatic; I wanted to say “a small step for a man, a huge leap for mankind” but forgot and instead said: “in the morning, the sun came up on a different world”. I think it’s a line from Kate Bush song but I don’t know what it means exactly.

Day 77
The leader of Hezbollah Hassan Nasrallah called me today. We stayed in touch since I interviewed him on my talk show. He and I have so much in common; we’re both very charismatic, live in hiding and communicate with our millions of followers via video links.

Day 85
The mainstream media persists in trying to represent me as a conspiracy theorist. The two things I hate the most are conspiracy theorists and the giant lizards that rule the world with the CIA and the Freemasons.

Day 86
Of course the mainstream media is after me, I represent a danger to their dominance over news and opinions. That’s why we always worked with small, virtually unknown, media outlets like The Guardian, The New York Times and Der Spiegel.

Day 92
Several members of Anonymous called today and we had a chat. We discussed how we hate generic mainstream culture and how people lose their individuality and character and everyone starts to look the same. I made them repeat after me ‘we are all individuals’ a few times and we felt alive.

Day 110
Today Lady Gaga came to visit. It was exciting. She put her hands on my head and said, “Julian, you were born this way, don’t let them change you.” Then we sat down and chewed the fat for a while. She started talking about the revolution and sales of her perfume, so my mind drifted and I started nibbling on her dress absent-mindedly then realised it’s made of tofu and stopped.

Day 132
Ecuador said I could stay in the embassy for two centuries if necessary. Perhaps I am immortal after all.

Day 149
I hate IKEA.

Day 157
My new book came out today. I outline how we can defend against intrusion and surveillance. By hacking into people’s private computers.

Day 172
I decided to run for the senate in Australia. I’m also contemplating running for UN Secretary General, President of the European Union and Emperor of Abyssinia.

Day 174
How I could have ended up in a dark room with only my computers for company, eating out of pizza boxes? What kind of life is this for a hacker?

(This is of course a parody, just in case you’re still wondering.)

Follow me on Twitter or read my other parodies here


  1. why do you hate assange so much?

    1. I don't hate Assange and in comparison to my other parodies this is fairly mild. As a matter of fact, I think Wikileaks did a great job in exposing many governments. This is satire, think of it what you want, unless you believe people in the public eye should be protected from satire for some reason.

    2. Yes but what is the basis for this satire? So you believe Assange thinks he's some sort of messiah. What are the manifestations of this belief according to you? Because I just don't see them.

      (not the same Anonymous)

    3. It's satire, you either find it funny or you don't. Generally people don't analyse why a joke is funny before deciding to laugh.

    4. Why are you being so defensive? I didn't blame you for eventually disliking him, I was simply asking if you had any reasons for that. I also never said anyone should be protected from satire.

      Just seemed to me that implying he hacked into "people's private computers" when he actually hacked into governmental computers is a bit dishonest and maybe an attempt at discrediting his work..

    5. No, satire is not only about "you either find it funny or you don't". Regular jokes, like fart jokes, or slapstick, that "you either find funny or you don't".
      Satire on the other hand should also have some sort of logic in it. And I don't see the logic here so I'm asking you to show them to me:

      Why do you think Assange acts like some sort of messiah?

      (again, not the same Anonymous)

  2. I am big supporter of Assange but love this post. Very funny.

  3. Why don't you make a satire about the kids Obama's drones kill in Pakistan, or the military bases USA have all around the world for no good reason?

    1. The Daily Mash does..





  4. From Anonymozo with Love: Satire is usually done in impossible situations such as when the guy or woman you are "sarcasting" about are too potential that you are not able to talk to them, therefor you display, in a semi-vulgar semi-burlesque manner some of their defaults or some of their "humane" sides, as if they needed them; because these persons, the "satyred", are much bigger than normal humane size, therefor "divulging" those "innocent"and common sides becomes funny.
    Satire is not only making fun, without implying "hidden acts" by the "satyred", without dragging the satyred down the drain. :)

  5. hey! how about satire on the refugees from Syria. and even funnier the palestinian refugees from Syria, double refugees! now that is funny...

  6. I didn't know that you don't like Assange?

  7. actually it is def not the first time i heard Assange thinks of himself as a messiah (from people who like wikileaks as well). brilliant piece, as always

  8. Roland Stanbridge30 December 2012 at 13:02

    How very unfunny. I enjoy good satire but what I read here is mildly disguised character assassination. Who else do we find indulging in such smear attacks on Julian Assange? - mostly right wing supporters of British and US warmongering, torture, killing of civilians etc exposed as never before by Assange and Wikileaks.In the US several politicians and journalists have called for Assange to be assassinated as an 'enemy of America'. In Sweden some media have been demonising Assange since early 2010, painting a picture of him as deluded, paranoid, extremist, America-hating, self aggrandising and much else. These articles never look at what he has actually accomplished or the content of the wikileaks revelations. Karl Sharro, in the name of satire, joins this company, telling us that Assange is a conspiracy theorist, a megalomaniac and the buddy of a major enemy of the US and Israel (Hezbollah), and thinks of himself as Jesus, and the impetus of the Arab Spring. I find Sharro's 'diary' verging on hate speech.

  9. In this world of misery why do you have to be so unkind and negative and especially towards someone who is exposing the deceptions of governments. We need Assange - who else has had the courage to try to enlighten the public with the truth. So sad!

  10. oh my god. what is wrong with these people? Satire has nothing to do with attacking a person. Assange is not being attacked here. I thought Satire was innately understood by humans; that there was a facet of thought that simply and inherently understood the satire in satire. Apparently not.


Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.