30 Apr 2015

God resigns over situation in Middle East

In a surprising announcement He made during a hastily-convened press conference, God has declared that He is resigning over the situation in the Middle East and other global failures which He takes full responsibility for. God made it clear that his position has become untenable, but He will stay on as caretaker deity until a replacement could be found. The news has sent shockwaves throughout the world as stock prices plunged and an atmosphere of uncertainty prevailed.

At the press conference held at the Washington DC Marriott, the only venue available at a short notice, God outlined the reasons for his resignation citing primarily the deteriorating situation in the Middle East. God spoke at length of the region’s significance to Him, having chosen it as the place to launch three monotheistic religions. God spoke bitterly of his disappointment and pain over the wars that continue to plague the region which He had had high hopes for.

God admitted that he has been busy for a while with other projects across the universe, neglecting Earth and said that ‘He had taken his eye off the ball’. He revealed that he had last visited the Middle East many centuries ago and ‘it seemed to be fine, people were getting along and were busy being fruitful and multiplying’ and that he had left with positive impressions.

God then spoke of his shock as He learned that people were killing each other in His name, questioning whether leaving people with old instructions without regular updates was a wise move. He admitted that there were ‘institutional failures’ and ‘major communication breakdowns’ which had allowed the situation to get to where it is in the Middle East today, stressing that he bore full responsibility for these unpleasant developments.

God said unto the gathered reporters that He had no choice but to resign, and that He was examining various options going forward. The fact that he is the sole deity in the universe will complicate things for sure, but the Lord will consider promotions and a period of restructuring that will have a major impact on the way divinity works. God, who was flanked by Michael and Gabriel as he made the emotional revelations hinted at more senior management roles for the pair.

‘I hear that people are arguing over whether you should grow a beard or not, or how long your trousers should be and quoting me to justify their positions. This is certainly not what I created religions for! Why would I care if you have a beard? I gave you free will so you can decide on these matters, not to kill each other over them! I’m the Creator of the Universe, why would I care about your stupid beard?!’ But God was careful to remind everyone that He didn’t want to blame humans, arguing that He had ultimately caused the misunderstandings.

God regretted in particular the role that oil has played in destabilising the Middle East saying that He had left it ‘as a surprise for humans to discover one day, and see what they can do with it’. Little did He expect that it would become a major source of instability in the region. He also had harsh words for American leaders, who had given him personally a very bad reputation and have exacerbated the situation in the Middle East with decades of nefarious meddling.

God declined to answer questions on whether He is a supernatural deity or a human construct that works at an allegorical level, saying ‘you need to work out these things for yourselves. That’s why I gave you free will. Or did I?’

God ended the press conference without taking any more questions, but the angels that were in charge of security indicated that there might be another press conference soon. Meanwhile, the entire world awaits anxiously what will happen next. Richard Dawkins however tweeted: ‘this is clearly a sham. How can people fall for it? There is NO GOD!’ He then challenged God to a debate but no response has come from God’s camp yet.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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