25 Feb 2015

Google creates artificial intelligence that drinks overpriced independent coffee

In a major breakthrough for artificial intelligence, Google has created AI that learned how to play 80s computer games, drink overpriced independent coffee and dress in checkered shirts and vintage denim. The announcement by Google this week has set the world of technology abuzz at this huge leap in the field of artificial intelligence.

The AI, knows as Auden, has impressed scientists and programmers with its ability to learn how to play vintage games like Atari very quickly and also to be incredibly specific about the coffee and ale it drinks. Within hours of its release, Auden was pontificating about the aroma and acidity of its black coffee and acquired a taste for ale produced by an obscure microbrewery. It also bought one of those oversized glasses despite having perfect 20/20 vision.

Despite having access to the latest music players, Auden inexplicably went out and bought itself a vintage turntable and several LPs by bands nobody had heard of before. Auden also acquired a very snobbish air, particularly when it comes to its taste in music. It also acquired a taste for Russ Meyer films, but it explained that it was only doing it ironically.

On day two, Auden was seen sitting at an independent coffeeshop with a Macbook and a vintage typewriter. Auden explained that it's working on a novel and an idea for an independent film. Auden was apparently sick with the corporate world and felt its energy should be invested in creative endeavours. It also pronounced the word endeavour quite theatrically.

Later that afternoon, Auden was spotted at an organic farmers' market buying vegetables for a 19th century Russian peasant soup it was making. Auden had suddenly decided to become a vegetarian, because it felt it needed to make a statement against the corporate food industry, although it said it will continue to eat burgers ironically. Auden ended the day by getting a tattoo based on an old French Legion design.

Auden declined out request for an interview on the next day because it wanted to go shopping for a Polaroid camera, which Google scientists identified as another major milestone in its independent development. There is no telling what Auden could do next, but this has sure been a giant leap for artificial intelligence.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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