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6 Jan 2015

Far-Right Extremist ‘Confused and Upset’ After Realising He’s a Foreigner

A far-right extremist has spoken publicly today of his shock and dismay at discovering that he too is a foreigner. John Smith, 29, from Luton in England, revealed the agony and confusion he has been experiencing since making the traumatic discovery. Mr Smith is a fierce critique of immigration and ‘everything foreign’ as he once put it, and has been active in far-right circles for a number of years.


Mr Smith, an unemployed bouncer and avid football fan, described how he came across the startling discovery. “I was home having a nice hot cuppa, (cup of tea) it cleared my head and I started thinking. I thought about a lot of stuff and then I started thinking about foreigners and how you can’t go anywhere without seeing so many of them. It got me worked up and I started thinking how would they feel if I went to their country.”


Mr Smith continued: “Then I started thinking if I was somewhere foreign like France or Pakistan, how would they feel about me going there and taking their jobs. Then all of a sudden it hit me, when I am there I will be a foreigner to them! Me, a foreigner! I had never thought about it like that before.”

“Then I started thinking I’m not a foreigner in France and Pakistan, I’m also a foreigner in other countries. In fact, I am a foreigner almost everywhere in the world except England! At this point I was upset and confused, so I called up my mate Jack and we went for a beer. When I explained my theory to him, he tried to argue with me, but he agreed in the end. But he said I should think about it. How can I not think about it? I have been a foreigner all of my life and never realised it.”

Mr Smith explained that on his previous travels to Spain and Portugal he was always surrounded by English people and was eating English food and drinking English beer so it didn’t occur to him that he had was a foreigner. He added that he feels ‘confused and upset’ by his discovery and may seek counselling to overcome the trauma of this astounding discovery.

When asked whether this discovery will change the way he looks at foreigners in England, Mr Smith declined to comment saying that he needed more time ‘to figure out stuff’. Meanwhile the political group he’s affiliated with has moved to distance itself from Mr Smith, claiming that he’s been paid to spread ‘this kind of crazy talk’ to discourage people from joining up nationalist groups. A spokesman said: ‘thinking’s never done anyone any good.’

Extremism experts are monitoring the situation to see if this revelation represents a threat to anti-immigrant groups, but it’s too early to tell.

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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