23 Jul 2013

'I am like Warda': Exclusive Interview with General al-Sisi, the leader of the Glorious Egyptian Army

Since the Corrective Operation to Unseat the President (COUP) in Egypt, one name has been on everyone’s lips, General Abdul-Fattah al-Sisi the leader of the Glorious Egyptian Army©. It’s true a few were cursing him, but most honourable citizens of Egypt and the other Arab countries were behind the General’s historical corrective manoeuvre against the Muslim Brotherhood.

General al-Sisi embodies the values of Arab liberalism: manliness, strength, striking with a hand of steel and, above all, a musical name that rhymes. In his attempt to reach out to Arab liberals, the General in his wisdom decided to grant us this exclusive interview as one of the leading publications for Liberal Communist Secularist Arabs. We are very grateful to the Beacon of Arab Secularism for this.

KrM: General Sisi, many say you are the new Abdul-Nasser, what’s your reply to that?

Sisi: You reminded me of when they asked the singer Warda if she’s the second Um Kalthoum. She said I prefer to be the first Warda. I feel the same about Abdul-Nasser.
General al-Sisi as a child with Abdul-Nasser

KrM: So will you be running for president of Egypt at the next elections?

Sisi: Of course not. I am only here to serve my country. And if the people decide that they want me as president, I don’t see why elections are necessary.

KrM: That is truly in the democratic tradition of the great Abdul-Nasser. How glorious exactly would you say the Egyptian army is?

Sisi: The Egyptian army is very glorious. But its glory stems from its popular support, it represent the will of the people. And it’s always willing to defend Egypt and strike against those who deviate from the path of peacefulness.

KrM: Curse those who deviate from the path of peacefulness. You have become a symbol for Arab liberals and secularists in general because of these liberal values you embody. This has set many an evil tongue wagging about how servile and pathetic Arab secularists are and how fond they are of military oppression. Can you silence those malicious tongues by enlightening us about your own liberal values?

Sisi: We are here to protect the people, everything we do is driven by this principle. This is a caring type of liberalism not like the cruel western one. We care enough to carry out virginity tests, we care enough to shoot people scientifically before they harm themselves, we care to keep the media on the side of the true word. This is caring liberalism, with responsible freedom. We don’t live in a jungle.

KrM: The same malicious tongues talk of ‘the demonization of Syrians and Palestinians’ in Egypt after the Glorious Revolution. How do you respond to those malicious accusations?

Sisi: The Glorious Egyptian Army and the Glorious Revolution are not against our Palestinian and Syrian brothers. But we are against those who deviate from true Egyptianness and our brothers are naturally deficient in Egyptianness for no mistake of their own. What we are doing is encouraging them to rectify this moral defect.

KrM: A truly enlightened policy that exemplifies your generosity of spirit. Maybe you can air-drop Egyptian flags over Gaza or Aleppo? It’s not like Egyptian pilots have anything else to do, now that you have conquered all your enemies of course. Long live the Glorious Egyptian Army. General al-Sisi, what do you say to those malicious people who say you carried out a coup against an elected president?

Sisi: Those people don’t understand the spirit of Egyptian democracy which is bigger than elections and voting. We have people coming to us from Europe to understand our democracy now. The Glorious Egyptian Army is the only guarantee against those who deviate from fulfilling the wishes of our great people. This wasn’t a coup but a correction of history. And the deposed president is our guest and under our protection now.

KrM: That is very wise and glorious. General al-Sisi, this was an honour and a privilege. On behalf of all Arab secularists I convey our gratitude for your shining example. And great hats by the way.

Sisi: Goodbye, and don’t deviate from the path of righteousness and accuracy.

KrM: We wouldn’t dream of it, we are known for our commitment to accuracy.


Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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