21 May 2013

Satellite Navigation Error Sends Hezbollah’s Men Fighting In The Wrong Place in Syria

In an embarrassing admission for the Lebanese party, it emerged today that a satellite navigation error was responsible for Hezbollah’s men fighting in the wrong part of Syria. The Party of God’s fighters were on their way to participate in The Campaign To Defend The Shrine of Sayyidah Zaynab located just outside Damascus, but ended up by mistake in the town of al-Qusayr near the northern border between Syria and Lebanon, some 100 miles away from their intended destination.

The town has been the scene of intense fighting between Syrian rebels and government troops for several days, and the arrival of hundreds of heavily-armed Hezbollah fighters was somehow misinterpreted by the rebels as a sign of aggression so they opened fire on the convoy and the Lebanese fighters had no option but to retaliate. The situation quickly escalated and Hezbollah’s fighters were drawn into the battle. Judging by the continuous supplies they are receiving however, it seems that their satellite navigation devices are still making the same mistake.

A Hezbollah spokesman earlier confirmed the story of the satellite navigation error insisting that there is no reason for Hezbollah to be fighting in Syria and their mission was strictly about defending the religious shrine, revered by Shiites Muslims all around the world. He added: “We have all been there, and we all know the technology isn’t perfect. There are also errors because of bad transliteration of Arabic place names. This was completely out of our control.”

The spokesman added: “Once I was taking my youngest daughter to a birthday party, and we ended up in a different town altogether. You should have seen how disappointed she was. These things happen.” He also speculated that the error could have been caused by an Israeli agents hacking into the satellite navigation devices, in an effort to inflame the situation in Syria and draw the party into the fighting there. “God knows we didn’t want to be involved, and who else but he Zionists benefits from this infighting?”

There has been warnings from military experts about problems with over-reliance on technology and the need to teach people basic map reading, and Hezbollah has promised to include more intensive focus on such skills in its training programs in the future. The spokesman promised that the party will learn lessons from this incident and ranted about the evils of technology. “Nobody even writes letters any more, it’s all Email and Facebook these days. How sad.”

It is understood that Hezbollah is now considering suing the manufacturer of the satellite navigation device, a move that has been roundly supported by all parties involved.

But shortly before we went to print, a senior Hezbollah spokesman denied any involvement whatsoever for his party in Syria, and explained that his colleague’s statements described a hypothetical situation. “There are no Hezbollah fighters in Syria as we have been insisting. There are some boy scouts and volunteers participating in humanitarian work. That is all.”

1 comment:

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Karl reMarks is a blog about Middle East politics and culture with a healthy dose of satire.

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