16 Aug 2013

“I told you so”, Arab cynic says as the hopes of millions are dashed

An Arab man last night summed up the feelings of thousands of other cynics with four short words: “I told you so.” The statement galvanised the cynic community and emboldened them to express their long-repressed views about the so-called ‘Arab Spring’, in what has been described as a historic resurgence of misanthropy in the Middle East.

“I knew it all along”, said Rami Kamel, 33, originally from Egypt but who now lives in New York and describes himself as an ‘ethical techpreneur’. Experts agree that the made-up word clearly indicates what an irritating, know-it-all type of person he is, but that shouldn’t detract from the power of his words. Mr Kamel took time off signing an online petition for the protection of ancient tribal land in the Amazon to make the historic statement that has resonated across the Middle East.

6 Aug 2013

Exclusive: transcript of the intercepted al-Qaeda phone call that sparked embassy closures

Thanks to our sources in the US State Department, we have obtained the transcript of the al-Qaeda telephone call that sparked temporary US embassy closures in the Middle East and worldwide travel warnings. The conversation between al-Qaeda global leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and Nasir al-Wuhayshi, the head of Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) makes it clear why the US had no option but to raise the terrorist threat level to its highest code.

2 Aug 2013

UK Government Nationalises Racism, Launches ‘Fuck Off or Face Arrest’ Campaign

Acknowledging for the first time that the private sector has failed to play its part successfully over the past few years, the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of formally nationalising racism and xenophobia. The Home Office has been granted new powers to allow it to improve both the supply and quality of racism encountered by the average non-white person on the street. To avoid accusations of discrimination, this will apply to all non-white people regardless of nationality.